Better Living Through Cleanliness

Michael Jackson Is A Figment Of Our Collective Imagination

I never used to consider having a cold, as being sick. My experience this week, however, has changed my mind. My head is filled with used porno magazines and the contents of ashtrays from a million council estate houses. And probably some Bernard Manning jokes too. Various business models, graphs, etc. Also, the plot lines for a year's worth of Emmerdale (formerly Emmerdale Farm). The point being: bad stuff. Stuffed up with the mucus that my body foolishly produces. I can't breath, I get headaches. I'm drip fed Lemsip. My beautiful nose is red. When I dance (i.e. sneeze) I raise the dead.

'Adrian, what did you do to deserve this?', you may ask. And also, another visit to the orthodontist today. There were various tools, the uses for which I couldn't possibly comprehend. Something that shines an intense blue light into my mouth. There is an accompanying orange screen for my eyes, as well as the yellow goggles. Essentially the closest one can get to an alien abduction without the anal probing. Also, I noticed that my orthodontist was chewing gum. I found this unsettling. Like Bob Geldof plucking food from the mouth of a starving Ethiopian child, or Paul Merton saying something genuinely intelligent and humorous, or Justin Hawkins wearing tasteful clothes. You remember Justin Hawkins, right? He was the singer in Def Zepplin. He's dead now.

As for the Michael Jackson thing, THINK about it, you over-literal goons. Oh wait, sorry, I came over all Ddmmyy. for a second, what with the berating celebrities and what not.

Normal service will, etc.

posted by Adrian @ 6:02 PM